Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

ok... here's the deal... i am FULL of guilt.. don't ask me why... i have NO idea... i just AM... simple as that...

no matter what happens... or to whom... i feel at the very least partially responsible... like i should have done something different, or like i in some way was the catalyst for it. i just simply do NOT know what to do about it... this guilt is so much stronger when it truly does involve me... like this mess with my S.O.... while it is true that i DO love him... and it is true that i DO want to be single again... those are the only things i know to be 100% true... therefore... whenever i am in a weak emotional state (as i am so often these days) i feel highly guilty about the "state of the union" so to speak... i feel terribly guilty for hurting him in any way... yet i feel guilty for not doing what i know makes me happy, too...this guilt is killing me... really it is... i feel as if i am being torn in two.. pulled in opposite directions with the most amazing force... almost as if my body is about to be torn apart by it...

sometimes the guilt is so strong i can't breathe... let alone function or think clearly... i have no idea what to do about all of it... perhaps i need to see a therapist of some sort... maybe someone else can explain to me why i feel so awful all the time...

anywho... rambling on... lallalalalalalala....

forgive me... the guilt has taken over again...