Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

-a fine frenzy-

**********************************************************

these words ring truer and truer each time i hear them.

goodbye, my love... i'm sorry i couldn't make us work.

may you find the love you want, the passion you need, and the strength and will to make it all work out.

dear you,

i don't know how to say what i want to say so badly.... i've tried and tried and prayed and prayed... i have cried and screamed and hoped and wished.... yet nothing makes it an easier...

i love you... i want you to know that... first and foremost...

i want nothing more than to be right by your side... all day, every day. but i worry that things will change or things won't work or any other silly thing you can imagine to worry about...

i know that you often don't understand what i do or why i do it... but you love me anyway and you have never failed to support me... and for that i thank you... more than you can ever know...

last night we talked about why i can't do what we both know i need to do... and i tried to explain that i am scared... and i realize it made little to no sense... and i apologize.

i came home and lay in bed till almost six this morning trying my damndest to find a way to explain (to both myself and you) what i am so scared of... and this is what i have come to...

(i know this may seem not easy to hear, btw... but i love you and i trust you and i believe deep in my heart that if i can make you understand what scares me so much that you can help me find a way to get rid of my fear... please read this with an open heart and mind... and please don't take ANYTHING said here in a negative way... i hope you know i would never mean it that way...)

anyway...

i sat there last night trying to figure out what it is that makes me so hesitant to say goodbye to him... i KNOW i love you... and i KNOW you love me... but what scares me is that you and i are both "dreamers"... we see the way we THINK things are... or the way we think they SHOULD be... not always the reality of how they ARE...

neither of us is really good with the "real" things in life... like money or planning or careers... we know what we WISH would happen... and we have great ideas and plans... but i worry that neither of us motivates the other to actually make those things happen...

and while i want nothing more in this world than to be blissfully, truly in love with someone and KNOW that it is reciprocal... i also know that love doesn't pay the bills or feed your hunger or keep you safe and healthy... and i know that money can tear two people apart faster than anything in the world...

my logical side screams at me that i HAD those "safe things"... i HAD the house, the food, the "stuff" i was supposed to have... so why did i leave? but my HEART reminds me time and again that the "stuff" isn't enough to make me happy either...

i don't need much... i know that about myself... i need a bed to sleep in, food to keep me alive, and a few books and cds every now and then to keep me sane... materially that's about it... but i worry that you are NOT like that... you need "things"... and i don't know if i can ever be the one to supply (or even always SUPPORT) those things... and i don't know what i would do if those "things" tore us apart...

please don't think i am saying that what you need is a bad thing... it isn't... it's who you are and what makes you YOU... and i don't have a problem with it at all... if i had all the money in the world I WOULD GIVE YOU THAT WORLD... NO QUESTIONS ASKED... but i don't... and it breaks my heart...

i am scared beyond words that you and i will fall in love and try to make something of this one day... and i am even more terrified that circumstances will prevent us from having all the things we dream about... and it frightens me that if we don't get those things... if we don't make those dreams realities then you and i will fall apart...

i need to know that even if we were homeless and hungry... even if we had to share a car and wear clothes from walmart that you would still love me... and that you would still love YOU...

i know that one of the main reasons he and i failed so miserably at our relationship was that he doesn't love himself... he isn't "enough" for himself... so i could never be enough either... there was always something "missing"... some invisible space between us that no matter how hard i tried i couldn't fill... so he filled it with alcohol or drugs or anger... he worked and he spent and he WANTED all the time... and it destroyed me... and i can't do that again...

i love you... i love that you see ME when you look at me... that you know things about me that no other person knows... that you remember things i tell you and you value my opinion... that you laugh at my jokes and know what my favorite color is... i love so much about you i can't even begin to list it all... but i am terrified that it isn't enough... or that it won't be enough for the long haul...

i think this is what makes it so hard to leave... a part of me says (and i HATE this part of me more than i can express BTW) that at least if i stay where i am i will be safe physically... i will be fed and housed and clothed... and yes... i KNOW that's silly and shallow... trust me... I KNOW... but it's the truth...

i can live without safe.... or i can live without love... but i don't know if i can live without BOTH... and i don't know what to do to insure that you and i don't lose both...

help me here... please...

tell me what to think... say that i am crazy... tell me to take a hike... tell me that it will all be ok (but you have to mean that one... ok?)... just tell me anything that makes me know what i am doing is the RIGHT thing to be doing for once in my life...

there are other things that worry me about us... but this is the big one... and i am sorry to spring this on you like this... but i believe that if you know what is on my mind and heart that we will both be better off in the long run...

i'm sorry this is so scattered and a little nonsensical...

i love you... and i hope to hear from you soon...

all my love for all of your days...

me