Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

do you have ANY idea how it makes me feel to watch you flirt with someone else? or even just to HEAR about it?

i don't think you do because i can NOT allow myself to believe you would say and do the things you do in my presence if you knew...

it KILLS me... just so you know... every single time you say "so-and-so was hitting on me" or "you don't have to go, i can always call *insert name here*" i die a little inside..

i will admit this feeling is partly due to plain old jealousy... but so much more of it is because NOBODY wants to be second best... i know i sure don't anyway.

i want you to want me... PERIOD. i don't want you to want me because someone else doesn't want you, or because you are too scared to try for what you really want, or whatever else it is that is keeping you from the "hers" of the world...

i just want you to want to be with me because you REALLY WANT TO... that is all... nothing else... JUST THAT...

it's fine if you don't... seriously. i can take it... you were my friend first, and you will be my friend forever... no bullshit involved. i can't promise you i will be all smiles about the situation... or that i will even like it, but i can promise you that when it's all said and done that i will still be your friend...

anyway (and i'm talking here like you will EVER read this LOL)... take your pick... not trying to give you any ultimatums or make any demands... just saying choose... if you like me, well, then that is WONDERFUL... and if you don't... well... i will live...

but i will NOT be the girl you settle for... there are a million reasons that ANYONE in their right mind would fall madly in love with me over and over and over... i was hoping that would be you, but i will be okay if it isn't...

just do what it is that makes you happy... whatever that may be... and good luck... i mean that, too... i hope you find someone (even if it isn't me) that makes your stomach flip the way you do mine... it's a great feeling... hopefully one day i will be the one you choose to feel it for

all my love for all of your days,

-me-

The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart.
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart.

And if I always seem distracted
Like my mind is somewhere else,
That's because it's true, yes it's true
It's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said:

"what'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
How could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
Who do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time!"

And now I know that you will be okay, and that i
Got what I want and that's rid of you
Good bye
And it's not cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
It's just that I didn't mean to break
Oh I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
Your heart

-barenaked ladies-

so last night i tried to take my own life

i know... stupid, silly, cowardly... i know all that

but i did

i got so upset with everything here... money, family, marriage woes, etc... that i got in my car and decided to drive... usually driving heals me... there is just something about being in a car alone, windows down, radio up, cruising along that is very theraputic for me...

but last night it didn't work... for the first time in my life i wasn't able to outrun my troubles... even just for a little while...

so there i was driving down the interstate and suddenly i realized i was speeding... but instead of backing off the gas like i normally do this little voice in my head said "go ahead... floor it... don't let up... just drive as far and as fast as you can until you are so far gone you can't turn back if you want to"

so i did

and then i realized that i wasn't planning on stopping... ever

i had NO intention of EVER hitting that brake pedal... i just wanted to find the highest bridge i could and drive right through the railing...

thank god for my friend who called and texted and just would not let up until i DID pull over

looking back i hate to think what would have happened if i HAD succeeded... that's not how i want to be remembered at all... i never want to be "that girl who drove off the bridge."

i just want to be free... free from all this angst and sorrow and all these feelings of failure

while i may not have made it over that bridge last night... i assure you a part of me did die on that bridge... RIP, innocence.... R..I..P..

so i woke up today to my mother telling me that she thinks i need to suck it up and go home to the S.O.

i hate this crap

i am so sad right now... i feel like crying myself back to sleep

while he and i were together we (mostly him because he never paid what he SAID he paid) managed to run up quite a few bills for ourselves... now i have left him and i am trying my best to play the catch-up game on said debts... anyway... mom has been trying to help me, but now she is upset about it all and thinks i need to go home to him to get him to help me with all this mess...

here's the problem:

1. i do NOT want to be there

2. going "home" for the sake of getting financial help does NOTHING but make me feel like a honest-to-goodness whore... i mean really... go give him some ass... he will pay some bills... sex ---> money = WHORE (right???)

3. she is crying... this makes me feel like TOTAL SHIT... i HATE this

i have no idea what to do... i am utterly heartbroken right about now

and now i have to go to work... what a great way to start a day, huh?