Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

I think I may be falling in love with you... and that worries me... not because you are a bad guy to fall for... but because a part of me thinks you may be feeling something too... I'm pretty sure you wouldn't go so far as to call it falling in love... but I am pretty sure you at least are starting to like me a little more than your average girl... this is what worries me... I'm not sure I am a good person anymore...

I used to be SO sure that I was... good, I mean... I used to KNOW that I would make someone so happy one day... that I would be a great girlfriend... maybe even a wife and mother, too... now I am not so sure anymore... these last few years have shaken me to the core of my being... they have upset everything I ever held to be an infallible truth... my up has become down and my rights have become all wrong... i am more confused now than I ever have been at any other point in my life...

I want so badly to be with you... I want to fall asleep every night beside you... I want to be there when you get home from work... I want to laugh with you, rant with you, play with you, and talk to you as much as I can for as long as I can... and so much of me wants you to want those things from me, too... I just don't want to hurt you... I don't want to be the reason you miss out on something or someone better... I never want you to regret one moment you spend with me... I'm just not sure I can do it, though...

Truth be told, I don't have a really good history in this department... especially the recent history... hell, I can't even seem to finish one thing before starting another anymore... and that's the last thing I ever wanted to do to you... i know how you feel about being thrown into a sticky situation... and I know how you feel about being a catalyst you never wanted to be... and I hate the thought that even ONE of my actions could have EVER made you feel this way... but I know I have... and I am SO sorry...

I wish I had the balls to tell you these things in real life... I wish I could look at you and just ask you to wait... I wish I could just beg you to give me a little more time to sort things out... I wish I could make you see how much I want to make you happy... and I wish I could make you understand how much I would NEVER do anything to hurt you... but I don't think I can...

I worry that pretty soon things are going to get the best of me... I don't really have that much of a spine sometimes... I am tender-hearted, over-emotional, and in general pretty weak some days... I am concerned that I am going to cave in and go back to a bad situation just to shut some mouths... my only hope is that the way you make me feel... the strength you give me without even meaning to... will hold me up long enough to get a hold of this whole mess...

I have no idea what the future holds... I don't know if you and I are meant to be (even if only for a little while)... I can't see what will become of you and me and all this mess we are so entangled in... heaven knows I sure wish I could, though... but I DO know this... I adore you... I want you to be happy more than I want anything else on this planet right now... so if the time comes when you have to tell me goodbye (for whatever the reasons... yours, mine, or some combination of the two) I want you to know I wish you the best... life has brought our paths together more than one time already... if this crossing isn't the one where our paths merge... then maybe the next time will be...

I hope I can sort things out soon... and more than that, I hope we make it through this to the other side... when it's all said and done I can't imagine a better person to celebrate with...

all my love for all of your days,

me