Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

i feel like this life is punishment for some horrendous evil i must have done in a past life... sure... i have TONS of fun most days, but when it's bad... it's really bad...

tonight for instance... the S.O. went out with some friends finally... i knew he was going... i WANTED him to go... and yes, i knew there would be a girl there that likes him... admittedly, this makes me a wee bit uncomfortable... he is after all still my husband... but so much of me wants him to go out with someone else just so he will remember that i am not what gives him his worth as a human being... i know that sounds totally fucked up, but it's true... he is so dependent on me that he thinks and acts like he will cease to function without me... and that is the whole root of our problem i think... i do NOT want to be needed that badly by ANYONE... it's all i can do to take care of myself most days...

anyway... so he went out and i knew and that was all ok... he is trying so hard to be clean and sober, but i knew he wouldn't make that goal this evening... and really, that's okay, too.... i understand that he needs to "fall" every now and then... he isn't perfect, nor do i expect him to be...

the part that makes me feel like i am being punished is that he just left me this crazy sounding voicemail... he is obviously intoxicated in some way... and he was barely even able to form full sentences... so here i am worried sick that not only had he "fallen" this time, but he may have fallen too far, too fast... i am SICK with worry.... i tried returning his call just moments after he left the message, but he will NOT answer... i call and call and call and get NOTHING... so i am just sick on my stomach that something has happened.... has he taken pills? does he have a gun? did he pass out and hit his head? did he just drink so much he needs his stomach pumped??

i have called a friend who is closer to him (physically) than i am right now and asked her to go check on him... so here i sit waiting to see if he is alright... i want to go check on him, but if he IS okay then i will just be ill that he wouldn't answer the phone... and he will be drunk so he will probably quickly pick a fight (this is a pattern we repeat all too often BTW)... or worse yet, if the girl he was with earlier is still there and things are happening then i am not sure HOW i would react... but i do know it wouldn't be good...

so now i wait.... and pray... and wait... and pray some more....




Dear God,

please let him be okay... and please forgive me for causing both him and me this much pain and suffering.

Amen