Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

i feel like this life is punishment for some horrendous evil i must have done in a past life... sure... i have TONS of fun most days, but when it's bad... it's really bad...

tonight for instance... the S.O. went out with some friends finally... i knew he was going... i WANTED him to go... and yes, i knew there would be a girl there that likes him... admittedly, this makes me a wee bit uncomfortable... he is after all still my husband... but so much of me wants him to go out with someone else just so he will remember that i am not what gives him his worth as a human being... i know that sounds totally fucked up, but it's true... he is so dependent on me that he thinks and acts like he will cease to function without me... and that is the whole root of our problem i think... i do NOT want to be needed that badly by ANYONE... it's all i can do to take care of myself most days...

anyway... so he went out and i knew and that was all ok... he is trying so hard to be clean and sober, but i knew he wouldn't make that goal this evening... and really, that's okay, too.... i understand that he needs to "fall" every now and then... he isn't perfect, nor do i expect him to be...

the part that makes me feel like i am being punished is that he just left me this crazy sounding voicemail... he is obviously intoxicated in some way... and he was barely even able to form full sentences... so here i am worried sick that not only had he "fallen" this time, but he may have fallen too far, too fast... i am SICK with worry.... i tried returning his call just moments after he left the message, but he will NOT answer... i call and call and call and get NOTHING... so i am just sick on my stomach that something has happened.... has he taken pills? does he have a gun? did he pass out and hit his head? did he just drink so much he needs his stomach pumped??

i have called a friend who is closer to him (physically) than i am right now and asked her to go check on him... so here i sit waiting to see if he is alright... i want to go check on him, but if he IS okay then i will just be ill that he wouldn't answer the phone... and he will be drunk so he will probably quickly pick a fight (this is a pattern we repeat all too often BTW)... or worse yet, if the girl he was with earlier is still there and things are happening then i am not sure HOW i would react... but i do know it wouldn't be good...

so now i wait.... and pray... and wait... and pray some more....




Dear God,

please let him be okay... and please forgive me for causing both him and me this much pain and suffering.

Amen

yesterday was HORRENDOUS... if it could go wrong, it DID... all i wanted was to get away from home and run to you and tell you every little detail of what had happened... i just KNEW you could make it all better... you are so funny and so wise and so great at just listening... you have the amazing ability to help me make sense of all this madness around me without even breaking a sweat... i love that about you

so i waited all day to see you... you had things to do, and that's perfectly fine... but when you finally came home it was all i could do not to shout out every problem i had and then scream "fix it!" as loudly as i could...

but you know what you did?

you walked in, looked at me, and you were just silent for a moment... then you said the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me...

"You want to talk about it?"

that was all... and it was PERFECT... it's amazing how when someone looks at you and asks you that and you can tell they REALLY care the whole thing just disappears... POOF... GONE

i DIDN'T want to talk about it anymore... somehow just knowing that you were there for me if i DID need to was enough...

thank you... you will never know the power you hold in that one simple phrase

perhaps one day i can be there when you need to hear someone ask that...

... how much i like trance





that is all

I think I may be falling in love with you... and that worries me... not because you are a bad guy to fall for... but because a part of me thinks you may be feeling something too... I'm pretty sure you wouldn't go so far as to call it falling in love... but I am pretty sure you at least are starting to like me a little more than your average girl... this is what worries me... I'm not sure I am a good person anymore...

I used to be SO sure that I was... good, I mean... I used to KNOW that I would make someone so happy one day... that I would be a great girlfriend... maybe even a wife and mother, too... now I am not so sure anymore... these last few years have shaken me to the core of my being... they have upset everything I ever held to be an infallible truth... my up has become down and my rights have become all wrong... i am more confused now than I ever have been at any other point in my life...

I want so badly to be with you... I want to fall asleep every night beside you... I want to be there when you get home from work... I want to laugh with you, rant with you, play with you, and talk to you as much as I can for as long as I can... and so much of me wants you to want those things from me, too... I just don't want to hurt you... I don't want to be the reason you miss out on something or someone better... I never want you to regret one moment you spend with me... I'm just not sure I can do it, though...

Truth be told, I don't have a really good history in this department... especially the recent history... hell, I can't even seem to finish one thing before starting another anymore... and that's the last thing I ever wanted to do to you... i know how you feel about being thrown into a sticky situation... and I know how you feel about being a catalyst you never wanted to be... and I hate the thought that even ONE of my actions could have EVER made you feel this way... but I know I have... and I am SO sorry...

I wish I had the balls to tell you these things in real life... I wish I could look at you and just ask you to wait... I wish I could just beg you to give me a little more time to sort things out... I wish I could make you see how much I want to make you happy... and I wish I could make you understand how much I would NEVER do anything to hurt you... but I don't think I can...

I worry that pretty soon things are going to get the best of me... I don't really have that much of a spine sometimes... I am tender-hearted, over-emotional, and in general pretty weak some days... I am concerned that I am going to cave in and go back to a bad situation just to shut some mouths... my only hope is that the way you make me feel... the strength you give me without even meaning to... will hold me up long enough to get a hold of this whole mess...

I have no idea what the future holds... I don't know if you and I are meant to be (even if only for a little while)... I can't see what will become of you and me and all this mess we are so entangled in... heaven knows I sure wish I could, though... but I DO know this... I adore you... I want you to be happy more than I want anything else on this planet right now... so if the time comes when you have to tell me goodbye (for whatever the reasons... yours, mine, or some combination of the two) I want you to know I wish you the best... life has brought our paths together more than one time already... if this crossing isn't the one where our paths merge... then maybe the next time will be...

I hope I can sort things out soon... and more than that, I hope we make it through this to the other side... when it's all said and done I can't imagine a better person to celebrate with...

all my love for all of your days,

me

there are few things in life better than seeing old friends again after a long time apart....

here's to all you out there that have meant so much to my life thus far...

i love you... and i always will...





that is all...

is falling asleep wrapped up in his arms

never have i felt so safe... never has the world felt so right....

only in his arms do i know what being alive truly feels like... i wish we could just lie there forever... me, him, and the sound of our breathing...

thank god for the small pleasures of this lifetime...

my heart is being pulled in so many directions

i want love... real, no frills, hardcore love
i want passion
i want romance... but not the "hearts and flowers" garden variety kind
i want someone who misses me when i am gone... but not so much that he can't function
i want someone that wants to tell me all about his day... but not someone who needs me to hear every detail in order to validate it
i want someone who makes me laugh
i want someone who laughs at my jokes... but only because he REALLY gets them
i want someone who doesn't run when i cry
i want someone who loves me even when i am a raging bitch... which i am every now and then
i want someone who is worth crying myself to sleep over... but he can't be the reason i am always crying

i think i have found him... the problem is he isn't the one i am with...

here comes the "fun" part... it's decision making time...

tonight he called and it almost destroyed me

he cried... and for the first time i could actually hear the genuine sorrow in his voice... i could hear that he FINALLY understands some of what i have been trying so hard to say to him all these years... he can FINALLY see what i have been going through alone for so very, very long...

it killed me to hear him that way... i DO love him... he has been one of my best friends for an entire lifetime... i just can NOT allow myself to be that vulnerable again... i can NOT open up my heart to the chance of being destroyed yet...

so what do i do? do i walk away and preserve myself? or do i stay and preserve him again? by staying does that not mean i am once again enabling him to be dependent on me?

i am so confused...

so i am supposed to have dinner tonight with the S.O.... NOT looking forward to it... i hate being in this situation... being around him makes me feel like such an ass most days... i KNOW he loves me... and i love him... i am just not IN love... and i HATE to hurt someone

i wish he would just find someone new... someone who can be all those things to and for him that i can NOT be... this would all be so much easier... i don't want to have to be the enemy... but at this point it is looking like there is no way to avoid it...

ok... here's the deal... i am FULL of guilt.. don't ask me why... i have NO idea... i just AM... simple as that...

no matter what happens... or to whom... i feel at the very least partially responsible... like i should have done something different, or like i in some way was the catalyst for it. i just simply do NOT know what to do about it... this guilt is so much stronger when it truly does involve me... like this mess with my S.O.... while it is true that i DO love him... and it is true that i DO want to be single again... those are the only things i know to be 100% true... therefore... whenever i am in a weak emotional state (as i am so often these days) i feel highly guilty about the "state of the union" so to speak... i feel terribly guilty for hurting him in any way... yet i feel guilty for not doing what i know makes me happy, too...this guilt is killing me... really it is... i feel as if i am being torn in two.. pulled in opposite directions with the most amazing force... almost as if my body is about to be torn apart by it...

sometimes the guilt is so strong i can't breathe... let alone function or think clearly... i have no idea what to do about all of it... perhaps i need to see a therapist of some sort... maybe someone else can explain to me why i feel so awful all the time...

anywho... rambling on... lallalalalalalala....

forgive me... the guilt has taken over again...

why is there never a clear cut answer to any of life's hard questions?

why can't everything just be black and white?

love and like and lust and passion make me so confused....