02 February 2010
Well, i made it through the dark days (obviously)...
Things are feeling a little better, but I'm still not back to me fully. I am working on it though. I just think I have so much in my heart and head that needs to be addressed. I can't seem to wrap my brain around all that's gone on in the last decade. I don't know who to love... and I don't know who really loves me any more.
A part of me actually misses the SO so much these days. He's being so kind and so sweet to me... and it reminds me of the friend I used to have in him. I can see that happiness creeping back into his face again, and I love the way he smiles now. My biggest fear is that I will somehow make him lose that light. I still feel that I was the cause of its disappearance in the first place. I know his addictions played a huge role, but I can't help but feel that I hurt far more than I ever helped. I just wish there was some way to know which move to make next.
I don't want to hurt any more... and I don't want to be hurt...
Why does life have to be so damn confusing????
28 January 2010
“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
- Doug Stanhope -
I've got that feeling again. I really don't want to be around any more. I know I've been here before, and I know I made it through every other time... but every time I get this feeling it's so much stronger than the last time.
I wonder if this will be the time I don't make it out the end of this very long, very dark tunnel....