Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

Well, i made it through the dark days (obviously)...

Things are feeling a little better, but I'm still not back to me fully. I am working on it though. I just think I have so much in my heart and head that needs to be addressed. I can't seem to wrap my brain around all that's gone on in the last decade. I don't know who to love... and I don't know who really loves me any more.

A part of me actually misses the SO so much these days. He's being so kind and so sweet to me... and it reminds me of the friend I used to have in him. I can see that happiness creeping back into his face again, and I love the way he smiles now. My biggest fear is that I will somehow make him lose that light. I still feel that I was the cause of its disappearance in the first place. I know his addictions played a huge role, but I can't help but feel that I hurt far more than I ever helped. I just wish there was some way to know which move to make next.

I don't want to hurt any more... and I don't want to be hurt...

Why does life have to be so damn confusing????

“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
- Doug Stanhope -

I've got that feeling again. I really don't want to be around any more. I know I've been here before, and I know I made it through every other time... but every time I get this feeling it's so much stronger than the last time.

I wonder if this will be the time I don't make it out the end of this very long, very dark tunnel....

Some men dream one day to fly
Spend their whole lives out there floating on the water and the sky

Some men dream of building fortunes
Some men dream of having fame
Nothing else is more important then making money and a name

but, In my dreams, I see
A little sky blue house beside a small stream
A front porch, a screen door,
The sound of barefeet running and cartoons.
In my dreams, your dreams come true

I come find you in your garden
Pulling weeds between the rows
Trade a kiss for a glass of water
Sit and watch what love can grow

In my dreams, I see
A little sky blue house beside a small stream
A front porch, a screen door,
The sound of barefeet running and cartoons.
In my dreams, your dreams come true

In my dreams, your dreams
Are the only things that really matter to me
When you smile, i smile
What makes you happy makes me happy too
In my dreams, your dreams come true
In my dreams, your dreams come true

fuck this stupid holiday

every year i get my hopes up that this will be the one that makes all the other shitty ones go away and it never happens

so fuck it

i'm not ever getting my hopes up again about this stupid bullshit day to "express your love"

for ever thinking that you will change

you will never be happy with just me

i am finally starting to accept this

it sucks... really, really, really sucks

but it is what it is, right?

good luck... i hope you find the one that makes you realize it's enough...

i just wish it could have been me.................

do you think i'm fucking stupid?

do you think you are that fucking slick?

don't you realize that i KNOW that EVERY SINGLE TIME you think things are the LEAST bit bad with us you run off and start flirting with someone else?

you're like a squirrel stockpiling for the winter... if you get the least little HINT that something might go wrong you HAUL ASS out to make sure you have enough "nuts" to make it the rest of the season

go the fuck on then

i hope you find all the "nuts" you can handle...



















and you wonder why i don't trust you...

remember this... hold on to it tight... i hope one day, when you DON'T have me around anymore (which hopefully will be sooner rather than later... i'm mighty tired of this fucking breathing bullshit) it eats you alive...

although, knowing you, you will find a way to make sure you get maximum sympathy out of it from the other nuts...

all my love for all of my (highly limited) days,

-me-

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

-a fine frenzy-

**********************************************************

these words ring truer and truer each time i hear them.

goodbye, my love... i'm sorry i couldn't make us work.

may you find the love you want, the passion you need, and the strength and will to make it all work out.

dear you,

i don't know how to say what i want to say so badly.... i've tried and tried and prayed and prayed... i have cried and screamed and hoped and wished.... yet nothing makes it an easier...

i love you... i want you to know that... first and foremost...

i want nothing more than to be right by your side... all day, every day. but i worry that things will change or things won't work or any other silly thing you can imagine to worry about...

i know that you often don't understand what i do or why i do it... but you love me anyway and you have never failed to support me... and for that i thank you... more than you can ever know...

last night we talked about why i can't do what we both know i need to do... and i tried to explain that i am scared... and i realize it made little to no sense... and i apologize.

i came home and lay in bed till almost six this morning trying my damndest to find a way to explain (to both myself and you) what i am so scared of... and this is what i have come to...

(i know this may seem not easy to hear, btw... but i love you and i trust you and i believe deep in my heart that if i can make you understand what scares me so much that you can help me find a way to get rid of my fear... please read this with an open heart and mind... and please don't take ANYTHING said here in a negative way... i hope you know i would never mean it that way...)

anyway...

i sat there last night trying to figure out what it is that makes me so hesitant to say goodbye to him... i KNOW i love you... and i KNOW you love me... but what scares me is that you and i are both "dreamers"... we see the way we THINK things are... or the way we think they SHOULD be... not always the reality of how they ARE...

neither of us is really good with the "real" things in life... like money or planning or careers... we know what we WISH would happen... and we have great ideas and plans... but i worry that neither of us motivates the other to actually make those things happen...

and while i want nothing more in this world than to be blissfully, truly in love with someone and KNOW that it is reciprocal... i also know that love doesn't pay the bills or feed your hunger or keep you safe and healthy... and i know that money can tear two people apart faster than anything in the world...

my logical side screams at me that i HAD those "safe things"... i HAD the house, the food, the "stuff" i was supposed to have... so why did i leave? but my HEART reminds me time and again that the "stuff" isn't enough to make me happy either...

i don't need much... i know that about myself... i need a bed to sleep in, food to keep me alive, and a few books and cds every now and then to keep me sane... materially that's about it... but i worry that you are NOT like that... you need "things"... and i don't know if i can ever be the one to supply (or even always SUPPORT) those things... and i don't know what i would do if those "things" tore us apart...

please don't think i am saying that what you need is a bad thing... it isn't... it's who you are and what makes you YOU... and i don't have a problem with it at all... if i had all the money in the world I WOULD GIVE YOU THAT WORLD... NO QUESTIONS ASKED... but i don't... and it breaks my heart...

i am scared beyond words that you and i will fall in love and try to make something of this one day... and i am even more terrified that circumstances will prevent us from having all the things we dream about... and it frightens me that if we don't get those things... if we don't make those dreams realities then you and i will fall apart...

i need to know that even if we were homeless and hungry... even if we had to share a car and wear clothes from walmart that you would still love me... and that you would still love YOU...

i know that one of the main reasons he and i failed so miserably at our relationship was that he doesn't love himself... he isn't "enough" for himself... so i could never be enough either... there was always something "missing"... some invisible space between us that no matter how hard i tried i couldn't fill... so he filled it with alcohol or drugs or anger... he worked and he spent and he WANTED all the time... and it destroyed me... and i can't do that again...

i love you... i love that you see ME when you look at me... that you know things about me that no other person knows... that you remember things i tell you and you value my opinion... that you laugh at my jokes and know what my favorite color is... i love so much about you i can't even begin to list it all... but i am terrified that it isn't enough... or that it won't be enough for the long haul...

i think this is what makes it so hard to leave... a part of me says (and i HATE this part of me more than i can express BTW) that at least if i stay where i am i will be safe physically... i will be fed and housed and clothed... and yes... i KNOW that's silly and shallow... trust me... I KNOW... but it's the truth...

i can live without safe.... or i can live without love... but i don't know if i can live without BOTH... and i don't know what to do to insure that you and i don't lose both...

help me here... please...

tell me what to think... say that i am crazy... tell me to take a hike... tell me that it will all be ok (but you have to mean that one... ok?)... just tell me anything that makes me know what i am doing is the RIGHT thing to be doing for once in my life...

there are other things that worry me about us... but this is the big one... and i am sorry to spring this on you like this... but i believe that if you know what is on my mind and heart that we will both be better off in the long run...

i'm sorry this is so scattered and a little nonsensical...

i love you... and i hope to hear from you soon...

all my love for all of your days...

me

If you dont want me
Throw me away
If its important to you baby then beg me to stay
Stuck in the in-between
You never say what you mean


You go through the motions
And tell me you care
But when i'm looking in your eyes
I see nobody there
You've got your moment taken now
It will not come again


If you love me
Just love me

You make it complicated
Talkin around the truth
If you love me
Just love me
It really is that easy
But you gotta choose


Gave you my body
I gave you my soul
I gave you a shock but you can't feel
And now i'm watching you fold
I need you to be straight with me
We're way beyond pretend


If you love me
Just love me
You make it complicated
Talkin around the truth
If you love me
Just love me
It really is that easy
But you gotta choose


Except for love with strangers
With so much left unsaid
And fear just keeps you lonely
And you're trapped inside your head
So you fantasize and don't realize
You're gonna lose it all again


If you love me
Just love me
You make it complicated
Talkin around the truth
If you love me
Just love me
It really is that easy
oooohh


If you love me
Just love me
You make it complicated


If you love me
Just love me
It really is that easy
(You make it complicated)


Love me
Just love me (better love me)
You make it so hard
But it's so easy baby

-amanda marshall-

Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving