Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

well... we start counseling today...i am nervous, scared, and in general pretty shook up about it all... so much of me just wants to be done with all of this... i don't want to think about any of it anymore... i feel like he had his chance...he should have thought about this all these long years... he should have tried harded to make things work... lord knows i did... i did everything imaginable to try to be happy and to make him happy... but it was never enough... nothing i did was enough for him to put down the drugs and alcohol...nothing i did was more important than buying all the things he thought we needed... he never listened... never paid attention... i feel like he never cared...

i know he swears he DID care...and i am sure that in some weird way he did... but to me if he had TRULY cared then he would have heard me one of the million times i told him i was not happy... that there was something lacking in my life... he would have noticed when i was sad... he would have seen the way my eyes were always swollen from crying...

my fear is that this counseling session will make me feel even guiltier than i do now... i worry that he will somehow convince me to stay and pretend to be happy... when i am away from him i KNOW what i want... i KNOW where i need to be and what i need to do in order to be a whole person again... i just can NOT stand to see him hurt... i DO love him... he will ALWAYS be important to me... i just don't want to wake up one day and wonder where my life and my youth disappeared to... and i fear that if he guilts me into staying that is exactly what will happen...

wish me luck... here goes nothing...

I HATE HIM... I AM SO DAMN TIRED OF FIGHTING...

he actually just had the audacity to call ME hateful... said this was MY fault...

FUCK HIM!

this is NOT my fault... i tried and tried and tried to fix this for YEARS...

HE CAN KISS MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yesterday was a WONDERFUL day... i spent time with friends i haven't seen in ages... i saw him for a little while... and i laughed until my face and sides hurt...

why can't they all be such great days?

they used to be...

i love this picture of her... those that know her will too i think...




that is all....

i have always heard that to truly love something you must be able to let go of it... you must be able to free it to the whims of the world... like a parent eventually must do with a child.

why is this so hard to do? logically i know that if i love someone and let them go their own way, then when they return to me (IF they return to me) it will be for all the right reasons... and that is the kind of love i am so desperately seeking...

i truly think i am falling in love with someone... and the odd part is it's someone i NEVER dreamed i would feel this way for... so now i have come to a turning point... part of me feels that the best course of action is to grab on, hold tight, and attempt to make him see how much i care... and how wonderful we could be together...

unfortunately, i KNOW this is NOT the proper thing to do... the RIGHT thing to do is to step back and allow him his freedom... allow him to go where he wants, see whomever he desires, and do whatever he wishes...

so i think (hard as it may be) that is what i will do... my only hope is that he will do and see all those things and people and he will miss me while he is gone... surely if i am right about this then he will one day call me and tell me that i was right all along...

please, Lord... let me not be wrong about this one..

if you didn't want to talk to me... all you had to do was say so...

do you REALLY think i am THAT insecure?

give me some damn credit...

i always thought when i "grew up" i would have a job/career doing something that i loved... something meaningful... well... guess what?

I DON'T

and it SUCKS...

i want a job where i can travel all over the world... i want to meet new people every day... interesting folk i can learn all kinds of new things from...

i want to do something that makes a mark on this world... i want to change things...

i want to be employed in a field that constantly holds my attention... i am SO tired of becoming bored after only a few short months on a job...

so tonight i am going to put Google to good use.. my new mission in life is to find a new path...

wish me luck!

tossing and turning and trying my almighty best to pass out... what is it that makes sleep so elusive some nights?

i count sheep, recite poems, go over math problems, ponder the days events.. all to no avail...




won't someone please flip my "sleep switch"???




heaven knows i need all the beauty rest i can get.....

too bad you have no idea....

*on the phone*

Him: why won't you come home?
Me: I TOLD you I don't WANT to come home.
Him: But if you would come home then we could work on this...
Me: There is NOTHING to work on... I do NOT want to be there anymore.
Him: Well, you're always out doing something fun... why the hell won't you just come home???
Me: And do what? Sit there and stare at the TV while I wait for you to get home from work? Cause THAT sure is fun....
Him: Well...yeah... why not?
Me: Why would I do that? What could the benefit POSSIBLY be to me?
Him: Well, at least you would be there when I got home and we could talk about all this
Me: I am TIRED of talking about this... I told you I would go to counselling and that until then we should not attempt to "talk" alone about any of this because it always ends in fighting.
Him: Well.... fine then... don't come home... I don't care anymore...

*pause*

Him: I am NEVER going to ask you to come home again... I don't care if you do or don't anymore...
Me: Oh really? I've heard that a million times before... why should this time be any different?
Him: I MEAN it this time... I PROMISE you that!
Me: Okay... we'll see...
Him: Fine. Bye.

*hangs up on me*

3 minutes later he calls back

Me: Hello?
Him: So... uh...when do you think you will come home again? I'm just curious...
Me: (silence for a bit)....uh... I thought you weren't gonna ask me that...
Him: wtfever....

*hangs up again*

see what i have to deal with??? DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok... so apparently i can't seem to shut my brain off tonight... so i may as well practice my typing skills and get it all out... maybe then i can finally get some sleep, huh?

since i have written three whole TOTALLY emo posts... and none of those seemed to help... perhaps i should attempt to get rid of the more "clutter-like" thoughts currently congregating in my head...

here goes:

1. Why the hell does everyone... and i mean EVERYONE... like the damn Beatles so friggin much? I mean... seriously... the NUMBER ONE way to go from cool to instant social pariah is to inform ANYONE that you do NOT enjoy the music of the Beatles... and, voila!... instant outcast! Go figure...

2. What exactly changed in Hollywood in the last 50 or so years? IMO... there has not been a single good horror movie in AGES... what happened to the ALfred Hitchcocks of the world? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

3. Am i the only one out there who seriously wants to pimp slap couple who make out in public? It seems like the mall is the new no-tell motel of the world... for real people... GET A DAMN ROOM!

4. If i hear ONE MORE DAMN POP SONG today i may explode... SERIOUSLY...

5. Why are all the truly great lyrics given to the truly whiny singers? Ever notice that? You will now...

ok... there... that's a little better at least... although there is plenty more where that came from... stay tuned...

i
am
nervous
shaky
nauseous
curious
terrified
jealous
scared
sad

what is he doing there?

do i even cross his mind?

is she really just a friend?

if she is, why does he have to spend the night?






and why do i have to sit here all night and wonder?

I said: I hate you.
I meant: You drive me crazy and I can't stop thinking about you.

I said: I hope you find someone that makes you happy.
I meant: I want to BE the one that makes you happy.

I said: That shirt looks good.
I meant: That shirt makes your eyes even more unbelievably sexy than I thought possible.

I said: Call me when/if you want.
I meant: I would hang up on my own mother if you beeped in.

I said: Yeah, if it happens, it happens... I am cool for now.
I meant: I love you... will you please try to love me back?

(i wonder if you can tell the difference...)

*on the phone earlier*

Him: So what exactly is the problem?
Me: I need some space.
Him: What does that mean?
Me: Well... it means... that... uh... I... uh... need some space... what isn't clear?
Him: I don't get it...silence
Me: (speaking more slowly) I... need.... some... space...
Him: But... well... define "space"....
Me: Like, don't call me every 5 minutes... and stop trying to be up my ass all day... i need some room to breathe! And maybe try making some of your own friends...
Him: Oh! Ok! I get it! I can do that!
Me: Whew! Cool! Then I will call you tomorrow, ok?
Him: Yeah... talk to you later... bye!
Me: Bye!

*2.7 minutes later the phone rings*

Me: Hello?
Him: So... what are you doing?
Me: Uh... same thing I was doing 2.7 minutes ago... do you NEED something?!?!
Him: I miss you... :whines:
Me: Um... ok...?

*pause*

Him: So how was your "space"?

AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!