Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

so last night i tried to take my own life

i know... stupid, silly, cowardly... i know all that

but i did

i got so upset with everything here... money, family, marriage woes, etc... that i got in my car and decided to drive... usually driving heals me... there is just something about being in a car alone, windows down, radio up, cruising along that is very theraputic for me...

but last night it didn't work... for the first time in my life i wasn't able to outrun my troubles... even just for a little while...

so there i was driving down the interstate and suddenly i realized i was speeding... but instead of backing off the gas like i normally do this little voice in my head said "go ahead... floor it... don't let up... just drive as far and as fast as you can until you are so far gone you can't turn back if you want to"

so i did

and then i realized that i wasn't planning on stopping... ever

i had NO intention of EVER hitting that brake pedal... i just wanted to find the highest bridge i could and drive right through the railing...

thank god for my friend who called and texted and just would not let up until i DID pull over

looking back i hate to think what would have happened if i HAD succeeded... that's not how i want to be remembered at all... i never want to be "that girl who drove off the bridge."

i just want to be free... free from all this angst and sorrow and all these feelings of failure

while i may not have made it over that bridge last night... i assure you a part of me did die on that bridge... RIP, innocence.... R..I..P..