Random Thoughts
and
Loose Missions

well... we start counseling today...i am nervous, scared, and in general pretty shook up about it all... so much of me just wants to be done with all of this... i don't want to think about any of it anymore... i feel like he had his chance...he should have thought about this all these long years... he should have tried harded to make things work... lord knows i did... i did everything imaginable to try to be happy and to make him happy... but it was never enough... nothing i did was enough for him to put down the drugs and alcohol...nothing i did was more important than buying all the things he thought we needed... he never listened... never paid attention... i feel like he never cared...

i know he swears he DID care...and i am sure that in some weird way he did... but to me if he had TRULY cared then he would have heard me one of the million times i told him i was not happy... that there was something lacking in my life... he would have noticed when i was sad... he would have seen the way my eyes were always swollen from crying...

my fear is that this counseling session will make me feel even guiltier than i do now... i worry that he will somehow convince me to stay and pretend to be happy... when i am away from him i KNOW what i want... i KNOW where i need to be and what i need to do in order to be a whole person again... i just can NOT stand to see him hurt... i DO love him... he will ALWAYS be important to me... i just don't want to wake up one day and wonder where my life and my youth disappeared to... and i fear that if he guilts me into staying that is exactly what will happen...

wish me luck... here goes nothing...