Random Thoughts and Loose Missions

2010-02-02T20:12:00.002-05:00

Well, i made it through the dark days (obviously)...

Things are feeling a little better, but I'm still not back to me fully. I am working on it though. I just think I have so much in my heart and head that needs to be addressed. I can't seem to wrap my brain around all that's gone on in the last decade. I don't know who to love... and I don't know who really loves me any more.

A part of me actually misses the SO so much these days. He's being so kind and so sweet to me... and it reminds me of the friend I used to have in him. I can see that happiness creeping back into his face again, and I love the way he smiles now. My biggest fear is that I will somehow make him lose that light. I still feel that I was the cause of its disappearance in the first place. I know his addictions played a huge role, but I can't help but feel that I hurt far more than I ever helped. I just wish there was some way to know which move to make next.

I don't want to hurt any more... and I don't want to be hurt...

Why does life have to be so damn confusing????

Check, please...

2010-01-28T02:34:00.002-05:00

“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
- Doug Stanhope -

I've got that feeling again. I really don't want to be around any more. I know I've been here before, and I know I made it through every other time... but every time I get this feeling it's so much stronger than the last time.

I wonder if this will be the time I don't make it out the end of this very long, very dark tunnel....

In My Dreams

2009-04-20T13:37:00.000-05:00

Some men dream of crossing oceans

Some men dream one day to fly
Spend their whole lives out there floating on the water and the sky

Some men dream of building fortunes
Some men dream of having fame
Nothing else is more important then making money and a name

but, In my dreams, I see
A little sky blue house beside a small stream
A front porch, a screen door,
The sound of barefeet running and cartoons.
In my dreams, your dreams come true

I come find you in your garden
Pulling weeds between the rows
Trade a kiss for a glass of water
Sit and watch what love can grow

In my dreams, I see
A little sky blue house beside a small stream
A front porch, a screen door,
The sound of barefeet running and cartoons.
In my dreams, your dreams come true

In my dreams, your dreams
Are the only things that really matter to me
When you smile, i smile
What makes you happy makes me happy too
In my dreams, your dreams come true
In my dreams, your dreams come true

-josh turner-

2009-02-14T17:42:00.000-05:00

fuck this stupid holiday

every year i get my hopes up that this will be the one that makes all the other shitty ones go away and it never happens

so fuck it

i'm not ever getting my hopes up again about this stupid bullshit day to "express your love"

i am an idiot

2008-07-28T09:34:00.001-05:00

for ever thinking that you will change

you will never be happy with just me

i am finally starting to accept this

it sucks... really, really, really sucks

but it is what it is, right?

good luck... i hope you find the one that makes you realize it's enough...

i just wish it could have been me.................

Dear You,

2008-05-06T22:27:00.002-05:00

do you think i'm fucking stupid?

do you think you are that fucking slick?

don't you realize that i KNOW that EVERY SINGLE TIME you think things are the LEAST bit bad with us you run off and start flirting with someone else?

you're like a squirrel stockpiling for the winter... if you get the least little HINT that something might go wrong you HAUL ASS out to make sure you have enough "nuts" to make it the rest of the season

go the fuck on then

i hope you find all the "nuts" you can handle...

and you wonder why i don't trust you...

remember this... hold on to it tight... i hope one day, when you DON'T have me around anymore (which hopefully will be sooner rather than later... i'm mighty tired of this fucking breathing bullshit) it eats you alive...

although, knowing you, you will find a way to make sure you get maximum sympathy out of it from the other nuts...

all my love for all of my (highly limited) days,

-me-

Almost Lover

2008-04-30T23:22:00.002-05:00

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

-a fine frenzy-

**********************************************************

these words ring truer and truer each time i hear them.

goodbye, my love... i'm sorry i couldn't make us work.

may you find the love you want, the passion you need, and the strength and will to make it all work out.

2008-04-21T00:46:00.001-05:00

dear you,

i don't know how to say what i want to say so badly.... i've tried and tried and prayed and prayed... i have cried and screamed and hoped and wished.... yet nothing makes it an easier...

i love you... i want you to know that... first and foremost...

i want nothing more than to be right by your side... all day, every day. but i worry that things will change or things won't work or any other silly thing you can imagine to worry about...

i know that you often don't understand what i do or why i do it... but you love me anyway and you have never failed to support me... and for that i thank you... more than you can ever know...

last night we talked about why i can't do what we both know i need to do... and i tried to explain that i am scared... and i realize it made little to no sense... and i apologize.

i came home and lay in bed till almost six this morning trying my damndest to find a way to explain (to both myself and you) what i am so scared of... and this is what i have come to...

(i know this may seem not easy to hear, btw... but i love you and i trust you and i believe deep in my heart that if i can make you understand what scares me so much that you can help me find a way to get rid of my fear... please read this with an open heart and mind... and please don't take ANYTHING said here in a negative way... i hope you know i would never mean it that way...)

anyway...

i sat there last night trying to figure out what it is that makes me so hesitant to say goodbye to him... i KNOW i love you... and i KNOW you love me... but what scares me is that you and i are both "dreamers"... we see the way we THINK things are... or the way we think they SHOULD be... not always the reality of how they ARE...

neither of us is really good with the "real" things in life... like money or planning or careers... we know what we WISH would happen... and we have great ideas and plans... but i worry that neither of us motivates the other to actually make those things happen...

and while i want nothing more in this world than to be blissfully, truly in love with someone and KNOW that it is reciprocal... i also know that love doesn't pay the bills or feed your hunger or keep you safe and healthy... and i know that money can tear two people apart faster than anything in the world...

my logical side screams at me that i HAD those "safe things"... i HAD the house, the food, the "stuff" i was supposed to have... so why did i leave? but my HEART reminds me time and again that the "stuff" isn't enough to make me happy either...

i don't need much... i know that about myself... i need a bed to sleep in, food to keep me alive, and a few books and cds every now and then to keep me sane... materially that's about it... but i worry that you are NOT like that... you need "things"... and i don't know if i can ever be the one to supply (or even always SUPPORT) those things... and i don't know what i would do if those "things" tore us apart...

please don't think i am saying that what you need is a bad thing... it isn't... it's who you are and what makes you YOU... and i don't have a problem with it at all... if i had all the money in the world I WOULD GIVE YOU THAT WORLD... NO QUESTIONS ASKED... but i don't... and it breaks my heart...

i am scared beyond words that you and i will fall in love and try to make something of this one day... and i am even more terrified that circumstances will prevent us from having all the things we dream about... and it frightens me that if we don't get those things... if we don't make those dreams realities then you and i will fall apart...

i need to know that even if we were homeless and hungry... even if we had to share a car and wear clothes from walmart that you would still love me... and that you would still love YOU...

i know that one of the main reasons he and i failed so miserably at our relationship was that he doesn't love himself... he isn't "enough" for himself... so i could never be enough either... there was always something "missing"... some invisible space between us that no matter how hard i tried i couldn't fill... so he filled it with alcohol or drugs or anger... he worked and he spent and he WANTED all the time... and it destroyed me... and i can't do that again...

i love you... i love that you see ME when you look at me... that you know things about me that no other person knows... that you remember things i tell you and you value my opinion... that you laugh at my jokes and know what my favorite color is... i love so much about you i can't even begin to list it all... but i am terrified that it isn't enough... or that it won't be enough for the long haul...

i think this is what makes it so hard to leave... a part of me says (and i HATE this part of me more than i can express BTW) that at least if i stay where i am i will be safe physically... i will be fed and housed and clothed... and yes... i KNOW that's silly and shallow... trust me... I KNOW... but it's the truth...

i can live without safe.... or i can live without love... but i don't know if i can live without BOTH... and i don't know what to do to insure that you and i don't lose both...

help me here... please...

tell me what to think... say that i am crazy... tell me to take a hike... tell me that it will all be ok (but you have to mean that one... ok?)... just tell me anything that makes me know what i am doing is the RIGHT thing to be doing for once in my life...

there are other things that worry me about us... but this is the big one... and i am sorry to spring this on you like this... but i believe that if you know what is on my mind and heart that we will both be better off in the long run...

i'm sorry this is so scattered and a little nonsensical...

i love you... and i hope to hear from you soon...

all my love for all of your days...

me

Just Love Me...

2007-12-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

If you dont want me
Throw me away
If its important to you baby then beg me to stay
Stuck in the in-between
You never say what you mean

You go through the motions
And tell me you care
But when i'm looking in your eyes
I see nobody there
You've got your moment taken now
It will not come again

If you love me
Just love me

You make it complicated
Talkin around the truth
If you love me
Just love me
It really is that easy
But you gotta choose

Gave you my body
I gave you my soul
I gave you a shock but you can't feel
And now i'm watching you fold
I need you to be straight with me
We're way beyond pretend

If you love me
Just love me
You make it complicated
Talkin around the truth
If you love me
Just love me
It really is that easy
But you gotta choose

Except for love with strangers
With so much left unsaid
And fear just keeps you lonely
And you're trapped inside your head
So you fantasize and don't realize
You're gonna lose it all again

If you love me
Just love me
You make it complicated
Talkin around the truth
If you love me
Just love me
It really is that easy
oooohh

If you love me
Just love me
You make it complicated

If you love me
Just love me
It really is that easy
(You make it complicated)

Love me
Just love me (better love me)
You make it so hard
But it's so easy baby

-amanda marshall-

One Moment More

2007-11-15T22:06:00.000-05:00

Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving

Kid Fears

2007-11-14T22:49:00.000-05:00

Pain from pearls-hey little girl-
How much have you grown?
Pain from pearls-hey little girl-
Flower for the ones you've known.

Are you on fire,
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?

Secret staircase, running high,
You had a hiding place.
Secret staircase, running low,
But they all know, now you're inside.

Are you on fire,
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?

Skipping stones, we know the price now,
Any sin will do.
How much further, if you can spin.
How much further, if you are smooth.

Are you on fire,
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?

(What would...)

Replace the rent with the stars above.
Replace the need with love.

Replace the anger with the tide.
Replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love.

(What would...)
Replace the rent with the stars above.
Replace the need with love.

Replace the anger with the tide.
Replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love.

Are you on fire,
From the years?
What would you give for your
Kid fears?

(What would...)
Replace the rent with the stars above.
Replace the need with love.

Replace the anger with the tide.
(What would....)

Replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love.

-indigo girls-

the end

2007-09-30T02:46:00.001-05:00

what have i done?

is this really it?

can it REALLY be over?

i have spent the last half a year or more wishing for this... praying and hoping and fighting for just this moment....

now it's happened...

you are leaving...

why does it feel like i just lost something irreplaceable?

oh god... what have i done....

more emo nonsense

2007-08-28T22:50:00.000-05:00

I wish I knew what to do… I can’t sleep anymore.. I can’t eat… I feel nauseous half the time (if not more)… I am just sick of everything…

I am tired of feeling like a bad person… I am tired of being discontent and feeling edgy all the time… I used to laugh… I used to smile… I used to be the one who cheered others up… now it seems that everyone is constantly trying to cheer ME up…

It’s getting really old..

I want to go back… I want someone… ANYONE… to just reach out and hit “rewind”

I want to remember what it was like to sleep all night and NOT wake up feeling worse than when I closed my eyes…

I want to laugh again… I want my cheeks to hurt and my stomach to ache from so much hilarity I can’t stand another minute…

I want to be happy… plain and simple…

I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this… like I said… it’s getting REALLY old, REALLY quickly

i hate this shit

2007-08-28T22:21:00.000-05:00

i am so tired of bad days... i needed him to be there tonight to talk to me.. and he wasn't... it makes me so sad...

i was just SURE he was different... i just KNEW he would always be there when i needed him... but, just like every time and every one before him.... he wasn't

he only wants me when i am smiling... he doesn't want to talk to me when i am not working on making HIM happy...

i truly do not get it... i spend 99.9% of my time with him trying to make him feel special and wanted and happy and all that stuff... so why is it so much to ask that he do the same for me the other .01% of the time?

i will never be happy i think... i have come to the conclusion that i just expect too much from others... i am looking for someone that is like me... yet not like me... how crazy does that make me sound?

i want someone who treats me like i try to treat others... like they are the only ones in the room... yet i want someone who also has his own personality and his own humor and his own life...

i am beginning to think this is all just a pipe dream

i quit...

seriously i do...

Dear You,

2007-08-22T23:04:00.001-05:00

i hate that tonight went like it did... i want so badly to be able to be with you... no matter what... no matter where...

i hope that you know how much i loved having you visit... and i hope you know how much i love you

i promise... i will fix this soon

all my love... for all of your days...

angry all the time

2007-08-02T23:25:00.000-05:00

here we are
what is left of a husband and a wife
two lost kids
who have a way
of gettin on with their lives

and i'm not old
but i'm gettin a whole lot older every day
it's too late to keep from going crazy
i've got to get away

the reasons that i can't stay don't have a thing to do with bein in love
i understand that loving a man shouldn't have to be this rough
and you ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
i don't know why you've gotta be angry all the time

our boys are strong
the spittin image of you when you were young
i hope someday they can see past what you have become
and i remember every time i said i'd never leave
what i can't live with is memories of the way you used to be

the reasons that i can't stay don't have a thing to do with bein in love
i understand that loving a man shouldn't have to be this rough
and you ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
i don't know why you've gotta be angry all the time

twenty years have came and went since i walked out of your door
i never quite made it back to the one i was before
and God it hurts me to think of you
before the light in your eyes was gone
sometimes i don't know why this old world can't leave well enough alone

the reasons that i can't stay don't have a thing to do with bein in love
i understand that loving a man shouldn't have to be this rough
and you ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
i don't know why you've gotta be angry all the time

-tim mcgraw-

Dear You:

2007-07-10T18:15:00.000-05:00

do you have ANY idea how it makes me feel to watch you flirt with someone else? or even just to HEAR about it?

i don't think you do because i can NOT allow myself to believe you would say and do the things you do in my presence if you knew...

it KILLS me... just so you know... every single time you say "so-and-so was hitting on me" or "you don't have to go, i can always call *insert name here*" i die a little inside..

i will admit this feeling is partly due to plain old jealousy... but so much more of it is because NOBODY wants to be second best... i know i sure don't anyway.

i want you to want me... PERIOD. i don't want you to want me because someone else doesn't want you, or because you are too scared to try for what you really want, or whatever else it is that is keeping you from the "hers" of the world...

i just want you to want to be with me because you REALLY WANT TO... that is all... nothing else... JUST THAT...

it's fine if you don't... seriously. i can take it... you were my friend first, and you will be my friend forever... no bullshit involved. i can't promise you i will be all smiles about the situation... or that i will even like it, but i can promise you that when it's all said and done that i will still be your friend...

anyway (and i'm talking here like you will EVER read this LOL)... take your pick... not trying to give you any ultimatums or make any demands... just saying choose... if you like me, well, then that is WONDERFUL... and if you don't... well... i will live...

but i will NOT be the girl you settle for... there are a million reasons that ANYONE in their right mind would fall madly in love with me over and over and over... i was hoping that would be you, but i will be okay if it isn't...

just do what it is that makes you happy... whatever that may be... and good luck... i mean that, too... i hope you find someone (even if it isn't me) that makes your stomach flip the way you do mine... it's a great feeling... hopefully one day i will be the one you choose to feel it for

all my love for all of your days,

-me-

Break Your Heart

2007-07-07T17:14:00.000-05:00

The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart.
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart.

And if I always seem distracted
Like my mind is somewhere else,
That's because it's true, yes it's true
It's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said:

"what'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
How could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
Who do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time!"

And now I know that you will be okay, and that i
Got what I want and that's rid of you
Good bye
And it's not cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
It's just that I didn't mean to break
Oh I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
Your heart

-barenaked ladies-

a letter from the edge of sanity

2007-07-04T23:11:00.000-05:00

so last night i tried to take my own life

i know... stupid, silly, cowardly... i know all that

but i did

i got so upset with everything here... money, family, marriage woes, etc... that i got in my car and decided to drive... usually driving heals me... there is just something about being in a car alone, windows down, radio up, cruising along that is very theraputic for me...

but last night it didn't work... for the first time in my life i wasn't able to outrun my troubles... even just for a little while...

so there i was driving down the interstate and suddenly i realized i was speeding... but instead of backing off the gas like i normally do this little voice in my head said "go ahead... floor it... don't let up... just drive as far and as fast as you can until you are so far gone you can't turn back if you want to"

so i did

and then i realized that i wasn't planning on stopping... ever

i had NO intention of EVER hitting that brake pedal... i just wanted to find the highest bridge i could and drive right through the railing...

thank god for my friend who called and texted and just would not let up until i DID pull over

looking back i hate to think what would have happened if i HAD succeeded... that's not how i want to be remembered at all... i never want to be "that girl who drove off the bridge."

i just want to be free... free from all this angst and sorrow and all these feelings of failure

while i may not have made it over that bridge last night... i assure you a part of me did die on that bridge... RIP, innocence.... R..I..P..

early morning sadness

2007-07-03T07:59:00.000-05:00

so i woke up today to my mother telling me that she thinks i need to suck it up and go home to the S.O.

i hate this crap

i am so sad right now... i feel like crying myself back to sleep

while he and i were together we (mostly him because he never paid what he SAID he paid) managed to run up quite a few bills for ourselves... now i have left him and i am trying my best to play the catch-up game on said debts... anyway... mom has been trying to help me, but now she is upset about it all and thinks i need to go home to him to get him to help me with all this mess...

here's the problem:

1. i do NOT want to be there

2. going "home" for the sake of getting financial help does NOTHING but make me feel like a honest-to-goodness whore... i mean really... go give him some ass... he will pay some bills... sex ---> money = WHORE (right???)

3. she is crying... this makes me feel like TOTAL SHIT... i HATE this

i have no idea what to do... i am utterly heartbroken right about now

and now i have to go to work... what a great way to start a day, huh?

dear you...

2007-06-14T21:12:00.000-05:00

you have really taken me by surprise lately... did you even know that?

when you told me that you could see yourself being "with" me i nearly fell over... never in a million years did i think you would say that to me... hell, i am not even sure i ever thought you would even THINK it to be honest...

i always thought that you were just doing this till something better came along... i always hoped for more... but i never really thought it would happen...

why me? i'm nothing like your "type"... i'm not petite... i'm no fashionista... i'm not from old money... i don't wear the most expensive brands... hell... most days i can't even be bothered to put my makeup on!

is it really possible that, after all these many years, being myself actually worked? can you really like me for just being me? did being the smart, funny girl finally pay off?

you know what?

I DON'T CARE... all i care about it that it is working... and that is enough

hopefully i will manage not to screw this up... because for the first time in my entire life i have found someone that i am not afraid to be me with... and that is the best feeling i have ever felt...

thank you

<3

me

punishment

2007-05-19T01:02:00.000-05:00

i feel like this life is punishment for some horrendous evil i must have done in a past life... sure... i have TONS of fun most days, but when it's bad... it's really bad...

tonight for instance... the S.O. went out with some friends finally... i knew he was going... i WANTED him to go... and yes, i knew there would be a girl there that likes him... admittedly, this makes me a wee bit uncomfortable... he is after all still my husband... but so much of me wants him to go out with someone else just so he will remember that i am not what gives him his worth as a human being... i know that sounds totally fucked up, but it's true... he is so dependent on me that he thinks and acts like he will cease to function without me... and that is the whole root of our problem i think... i do NOT want to be needed that badly by ANYONE... it's all i can do to take care of myself most days...

anyway... so he went out and i knew and that was all ok... he is trying so hard to be clean and sober, but i knew he wouldn't make that goal this evening... and really, that's okay, too.... i understand that he needs to "fall" every now and then... he isn't perfect, nor do i expect him to be...

the part that makes me feel like i am being punished is that he just left me this crazy sounding voicemail... he is obviously intoxicated in some way... and he was barely even able to form full sentences... so here i am worried sick that not only had he "fallen" this time, but he may have fallen too far, too fast... i am SICK with worry.... i tried returning his call just moments after he left the message, but he will NOT answer... i call and call and call and get NOTHING... so i am just sick on my stomach that something has happened.... has he taken pills? does he have a gun? did he pass out and hit his head? did he just drink so much he needs his stomach pumped??

i have called a friend who is closer to him (physically) than i am right now and asked her to go check on him... so here i sit waiting to see if he is alright... i want to go check on him, but if he IS okay then i will just be ill that he wouldn't answer the phone... and he will be drunk so he will probably quickly pick a fight (this is a pattern we repeat all too often BTW)... or worse yet, if the girl he was with earlier is still there and things are happening then i am not sure HOW i would react... but i do know it wouldn't be good...

so now i wait.... and pray... and wait... and pray some more....

Dear God,

please let him be okay... and please forgive me for causing both him and me this much pain and suffering.

Amen

the power of a question

2007-05-18T13:33:00.000-05:00

yesterday was HORRENDOUS... if it could go wrong, it DID... all i wanted was to get away from home and run to you and tell you every little detail of what had happened... i just KNEW you could make it all better... you are so funny and so wise and so great at just listening... you have the amazing ability to help me make sense of all this madness around me without even breaking a sweat... i love that about you

so i waited all day to see you... you had things to do, and that's perfectly fine... but when you finally came home it was all i could do not to shout out every problem i had and then scream "fix it!" as loudly as i could...

but you know what you did?

you walked in, looked at me, and you were just silent for a moment... then you said the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me...

"You want to talk about it?"

that was all... and it was PERFECT... it's amazing how when someone looks at you and asks you that and you can tell they REALLY care the whole thing just disappears... POOF... GONE

i DIDN'T want to talk about it anymore... somehow just knowing that you were there for me if i DID need to was enough...

thank you... you will never know the power you hold in that one simple phrase

perhaps one day i can be there when you need to hear someone ask that...

i had forgotten...

2007-05-18T00:46:00.001-05:00

... how much i like trance

that is all

Dear You,

2007-05-16T00:41:00.000-05:00

I think I may be falling in love with you... and that worries me... not because you are a bad guy to fall for... but because a part of me thinks you may be feeling something too... I'm pretty sure you wouldn't go so far as to call it falling in love... but I am pretty sure you at least are starting to like me a little more than your average girl... this is what worries me... I'm not sure I am a good person anymore...

I used to be SO sure that I was... good, I mean... I used to KNOW that I would make someone so happy one day... that I would be a great girlfriend... maybe even a wife and mother, too... now I am not so sure anymore... these last few years have shaken me to the core of my being... they have upset everything I ever held to be an infallible truth... my up has become down and my rights have become all wrong... i am more confused now than I ever have been at any other point in my life...

I want so badly to be with you... I want to fall asleep every night beside you... I want to be there when you get home from work... I want to laugh with you, rant with you, play with you, and talk to you as much as I can for as long as I can... and so much of me wants you to want those things from me, too... I just don't want to hurt you... I don't want to be the reason you miss out on something or someone better... I never want you to regret one moment you spend with me... I'm just not sure I can do it, though...

Truth be told, I don't have a really good history in this department... especially the recent history... hell, I can't even seem to finish one thing before starting another anymore... and that's the last thing I ever wanted to do to you... i know how you feel about being thrown into a sticky situation... and I know how you feel about being a catalyst you never wanted to be... and I hate the thought that even ONE of my actions could have EVER made you feel this way... but I know I have... and I am SO sorry...

I wish I had the balls to tell you these things in real life... I wish I could look at you and just ask you to wait... I wish I could just beg you to give me a little more time to sort things out... I wish I could make you see how much I want to make you happy... and I wish I could make you understand how much I would NEVER do anything to hurt you... but I don't think I can...

I worry that pretty soon things are going to get the best of me... I don't really have that much of a spine sometimes... I am tender-hearted, over-emotional, and in general pretty weak some days... I am concerned that I am going to cave in and go back to a bad situation just to shut some mouths... my only hope is that the way you make me feel... the strength you give me without even meaning to... will hold me up long enough to get a hold of this whole mess...

I have no idea what the future holds... I don't know if you and I are meant to be (even if only for a little while)... I can't see what will become of you and me and all this mess we are so entangled in... heaven knows I sure wish I could, though... but I DO know this... I adore you... I want you to be happy more than I want anything else on this planet right now... so if the time comes when you have to tell me goodbye (for whatever the reasons... yours, mine, or some combination of the two) I want you to know I wish you the best... life has brought our paths together more than one time already... if this crossing isn't the one where our paths merge... then maybe the next time will be...

I hope I can sort things out soon... and more than that, I hope we make it through this to the other side... when it's all said and done I can't imagine a better person to celebrate with...

all my love for all of your days,

me

you know who you are...

2007-05-13T01:06:00.000-05:00

there are few things in life better than seeing old friends again after a long time apart....

here's to all you out there that have meant so much to my life thus far...

i love you... and i always will...

that is all...

the best feeling in the world

2007-05-10T03:12:00.000-05:00

is falling asleep wrapped up in his arms

never have i felt so safe... never has the world felt so right....

only in his arms do i know what being alive truly feels like... i wish we could just lie there forever... me, him, and the sound of our breathing...

thank god for the small pleasures of this lifetime...

a heart divided

2007-05-09T15:18:00.000-05:00

my heart is being pulled in so many directions

i want love... real, no frills, hardcore love
i want passion
i want romance... but not the "hearts and flowers" garden variety kind
i want someone who misses me when i am gone... but not so much that he can't function
i want someone that wants to tell me all about his day... but not someone who needs me to hear every detail in order to validate it
i want someone who makes me laugh
i want someone who laughs at my jokes... but only because he REALLY gets them
i want someone who doesn't run when i cry
i want someone who loves me even when i am a raging bitch... which i am every now and then
i want someone who is worth crying myself to sleep over... but he can't be the reason i am always crying

i think i have found him... the problem is he isn't the one i am with...

here comes the "fun" part... it's decision making time...

i can hear his heart breaking

2007-05-08T23:36:00.000-05:00

tonight he called and it almost destroyed me

he cried... and for the first time i could actually hear the genuine sorrow in his voice... i could hear that he FINALLY understands some of what i have been trying so hard to say to him all these years... he can FINALLY see what i have been going through alone for so very, very long...

it killed me to hear him that way... i DO love him... he has been one of my best friends for an entire lifetime... i just can NOT allow myself to be that vulnerable again... i can NOT open up my heart to the chance of being destroyed yet...

so what do i do? do i walk away and preserve myself? or do i stay and preserve him again? by staying does that not mean i am once again enabling him to be dependent on me?

i am so confused...

2007-05-07T17:58:00.000-05:00

so i am supposed to have dinner tonight with the S.O.... NOT looking forward to it... i hate being in this situation... being around him makes me feel like such an ass most days... i KNOW he loves me... and i love him... i am just not IN love... and i HATE to hurt someone

i wish he would just find someone new... someone who can be all those things to and for him that i can NOT be... this would all be so much easier... i don't want to have to be the enemy... but at this point it is looking like there is no way to avoid it...

my catholic guilt

2007-05-03T23:27:00.000-05:00

ok... here's the deal... i am FULL of guilt.. don't ask me why... i have NO idea... i just AM... simple as that...

no matter what happens... or to whom... i feel at the very least partially responsible... like i should have done something different, or like i in some way was the catalyst for it. i just simply do NOT know what to do about it... this guilt is so much stronger when it truly does involve me... like this mess with my S.O.... while it is true that i DO love him... and it is true that i DO want to be single again... those are the only things i know to be 100% true... therefore... whenever i am in a weak emotional state (as i am so often these days) i feel highly guilty about the "state of the union" so to speak... i feel terribly guilty for hurting him in any way... yet i feel guilty for not doing what i know makes me happy, too...this guilt is killing me... really it is... i feel as if i am being torn in two.. pulled in opposite directions with the most amazing force... almost as if my body is about to be torn apart by it...

sometimes the guilt is so strong i can't breathe... let alone function or think clearly... i have no idea what to do about all of it... perhaps i need to see a therapist of some sort... maybe someone else can explain to me why i feel so awful all the time...

anywho... rambling on... lallalalalalalala....

forgive me... the guilt has taken over again...

confusion

2007-05-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

why is there never a clear cut answer to any of life's hard questions?

why can't everything just be black and white?

love and like and lust and passion make me so confused....

today is the day

2007-04-30T07:49:00.000-05:00

well... we start counseling today...i am nervous, scared, and in general pretty shook up about it all... so much of me just wants to be done with all of this... i don't want to think about any of it anymore... i feel like he had his chance...he should have thought about this all these long years... he should have tried harded to make things work... lord knows i did... i did everything imaginable to try to be happy and to make him happy... but it was never enough... nothing i did was enough for him to put down the drugs and alcohol...nothing i did was more important than buying all the things he thought we needed... he never listened... never paid attention... i feel like he never cared...

i know he swears he DID care...and i am sure that in some weird way he did... but to me if he had TRULY cared then he would have heard me one of the million times i told him i was not happy... that there was something lacking in my life... he would have noticed when i was sad... he would have seen the way my eyes were always swollen from crying...

my fear is that this counseling session will make me feel even guiltier than i do now... i worry that he will somehow convince me to stay and pretend to be happy... when i am away from him i KNOW what i want... i KNOW where i need to be and what i need to do in order to be a whole person again... i just can NOT stand to see him hurt... i DO love him... he will ALWAYS be important to me... i just don't want to wake up one day and wonder where my life and my youth disappeared to... and i fear that if he guilts me into staying that is exactly what will happen...

wish me luck... here goes nothing...

2007-04-28T18:49:00.000-05:00

I HATE HIM... I AM SO DAMN TIRED OF FIGHTING...

he actually just had the audacity to call ME hateful... said this was MY fault...

FUCK HIM!

this is NOT my fault... i tried and tried and tried to fix this for YEARS...

HE CAN KISS MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a WONDERFUL day... i spent time with friends i haven't seen in ages... i saw him for a little while... and i laughed until my face and sides hurt...

why can't they all be such great days?

they used to be...

Mary Magdalene

2007-04-27T03:07:00.000-05:00

i love this picture of her... those that know her will too i think...

that is all....

love at a distance

2007-04-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

i have always heard that to truly love something you must be able to let go of it... you must be able to free it to the whims of the world... like a parent eventually must do with a child.

why is this so hard to do? logically i know that if i love someone and let them go their own way, then when they return to me (IF they return to me) it will be for all the right reasons... and that is the kind of love i am so desperately seeking...

i truly think i am falling in love with someone... and the odd part is it's someone i NEVER dreamed i would feel this way for... so now i have come to a turning point... part of me feels that the best course of action is to grab on, hold tight, and attempt to make him see how much i care... and how wonderful we could be together...

unfortunately, i KNOW this is NOT the proper thing to do... the RIGHT thing to do is to step back and allow him his freedom... allow him to go where he wants, see whomever he desires, and do whatever he wishes...

so i think (hard as it may be) that is what i will do... my only hope is that he will do and see all those things and people and he will miss me while he is gone... surely if i am right about this then he will one day call me and tell me that i was right all along...

please, Lord... let me not be wrong about this one..

2007-04-25T12:41:00.000-05:00

i HATE liars

2007-04-25T00:58:00.000-05:00

if you didn't want to talk to me... all you had to do was say so...

do you REALLY think i am THAT insecure?

give me some damn credit...

loose mission #1384386483641864

2007-04-24T22:51:00.000-05:00

i always thought when i "grew up" i would have a job/career doing something that i loved... something meaningful... well... guess what?

I DON'T

and it SUCKS...

i want a job where i can travel all over the world... i want to meet new people every day... interesting folk i can learn all kinds of new things from...

i want to do something that makes a mark on this world... i want to change things...

i want to be employed in a field that constantly holds my attention... i am SO tired of becoming bored after only a few short months on a job...

so tonight i am going to put Google to good use.. my new mission in life is to find a new path...

wish me luck!

insomnia

2007-04-24T01:26:00.000-05:00

tossing and turning and trying my almighty best to pass out... what is it that makes sleep so elusive some nights?

i count sheep, recite poems, go over math problems, ponder the days events.. all to no avail...

won't someone please flip my "sleep switch"???

heaven knows i need all the beauty rest i can get.....

truer words....

2007-04-23T16:10:00.000-05:00

too bad you have no idea....

This is where he demonstrates his resolve...

2007-04-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

*on the phone*

Him: why won't you come home?
Me: I TOLD you I don't WANT to come home.
Him: But if you would come home then we could work on this...
Me: There is NOTHING to work on... I do NOT want to be there anymore.
Him: Well, you're always out doing something fun... why the hell won't you just come home???
Me: And do what? Sit there and stare at the TV while I wait for you to get home from work? Cause THAT sure is fun....
Him: Well...yeah... why not?
Me: Why would I do that? What could the benefit POSSIBLY be to me?
Him: Well, at least you would be there when I got home and we could talk about all this
Me: I am TIRED of talking about this... I told you I would go to counselling and that until then we should not attempt to "talk" alone about any of this because it always ends in fighting.
Him: Well.... fine then... don't come home... I don't care anymore...

*pause*

Him: I am NEVER going to ask you to come home again... I don't care if you do or don't anymore...
Me: Oh really? I've heard that a million times before... why should this time be any different?
Him: I MEAN it this time... I PROMISE you that!
Me: Okay... we'll see...
Him: Fine. Bye.

*hangs up on me*

3 minutes later he calls back

Me: Hello?
Him: So... uh...when do you think you will come home again? I'm just curious...
Me: (silence for a bit)....uh... I thought you weren't gonna ask me that...
Him: wtfever....

*hangs up again*

see what i have to deal with??? DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gaining the monopoly on blogging...

2007-04-22T00:07:00.000-05:00

ok... so apparently i can't seem to shut my brain off tonight... so i may as well practice my typing skills and get it all out... maybe then i can finally get some sleep, huh?

since i have written three whole TOTALLY emo posts... and none of those seemed to help... perhaps i should attempt to get rid of the more "clutter-like" thoughts currently congregating in my head...

here goes:

1. Why the hell does everyone... and i mean EVERYONE... like the damn Beatles so friggin much? I mean... seriously... the NUMBER ONE way to go from cool to instant social pariah is to inform ANYONE that you do NOT enjoy the music of the Beatles... and, voila!... instant outcast! Go figure...

2. What exactly changed in Hollywood in the last 50 or so years? IMO... there has not been a single good horror movie in AGES... what happened to the ALfred Hitchcocks of the world? Come out, come out, wherever you are!

3. Am i the only one out there who seriously wants to pimp slap couple who make out in public? It seems like the mall is the new no-tell motel of the world... for real people... GET A DAMN ROOM!

4. If i hear ONE MORE DAMN POP SONG today i may explode... SERIOUSLY...

5. Why are all the truly great lyrics given to the truly whiny singers? Ever notice that? You will now...

ok... there... that's a little better at least... although there is plenty more where that came from... stay tuned...

when he is with her

2007-04-21T23:30:00.000-05:00

i
am
nervous
shaky
nauseous
curious
terrified
jealous
scared
sad

what is he doing there?

do i even cross his mind?

is she really just a friend?

if she is, why does he have to spend the night?

and why do i have to sit here all night and wonder?

The difference...

2007-04-21T18:36:00.000-05:00

I said: I hate you.
I meant: You drive me crazy and I can't stop thinking about you.

I said: I hope you find someone that makes you happy.
I meant: I want to BE the one that makes you happy.

I said: That shirt looks good.
I meant: That shirt makes your eyes even more unbelievably sexy than I thought possible.

I said: Call me when/if you want.
I meant: I would hang up on my own mother if you beeped in.

I said: Yeah, if it happens, it happens... I am cool for now.
I meant: I love you... will you please try to love me back?

(i wonder if you can tell the difference...)

And he wonders why I'm crazy...

2007-04-21T14:36:00.000-05:00

*on the phone earlier*

Him: So what exactly is the problem?
Me: I need some space.
Him: What does that mean?
Me: Well... it means... that... uh... I... uh... need some space... what isn't clear?
Him: I don't get it...silence
Me: (speaking more slowly) I... need.... some... space...
Him: But... well... define "space"....
Me: Like, don't call me every 5 minutes... and stop trying to be up my ass all day... i need some room to breathe! And maybe try making some of your own friends...
Him: Oh! Ok! I get it! I can do that!
Me: Whew! Cool! Then I will call you tomorrow, ok?
Him: Yeah... talk to you later... bye!
Me: Bye!

*2.7 minutes later the phone rings*

Me: Hello?
Him: So... what are you doing?
Me: Uh... same thing I was doing 2.7 minutes ago... do you NEED something?!?!
Him: I miss you... :whines:
Me: Um... ok...?

*pause*

Him: So how was your "space"?

AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!